Some Funnies Sent Along From Doc and Ma Smith

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen
And mine is......... I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Comedian Amy Schumer Claim's She Broke Up With WWE Star Dolph Ziggler Because "Sex Was Too Athletic"! 

Apparently Dolph Ziggler's in-ring performance is merely a warmup to the real task at hand.

Comedian Amy Schumer, who dated Ziggler, said on The Howard Stern Show that she broke up with the WWE star because the sex was "too athletic," according to ProWrestling.net. She reportedly claims he was throwing her around like they were wrestling.

Well, perhaps it's the other way around. Maybe Ziggler, whose real name is Nick Nemeth, views his time in the sheets as an opportunity to hone his craft. In any event, it's clearly too much for some women, including Schumer, to handle.

Schumer, who continues to gain popularity mostly for her appearances on Comedy Central roasts, did feel bad for dumping the former heavyweight champion. She admits that she still likes Ziggler, and that she learned he was a sweetheart upon texting him to break up.

Fortunately, Schumer's loss is someone else's gain, ladies. So for all you fine, young women out there looking for a jacked up wrestler whose hair looks like spaghetti, you might as well start pursuing Ziggler. If nothing else, you'll be in the best shape of your life.

It's now official. Dolph Ziggler is starting to challenge Dolph Lundgren for the title of "Most Legendary Dolph!

Rosie O'Donnell suffers heart attack, recovering at home

Rosie O'Donnell Suffers a Heart Attack

By Matt Donnelly

August 20, 2012, 3:12 p.m.

Rosie O'Donnell blogged some major gratitude Monday: The former daytime host revealed she suffered a heart attack last week.

What began as an act of kindness ended in the insertion of a stent, after doctors discovered a 99% blocked artery in O'Donnell's heart.

An "enormous" woman Rosie spotted in a Nyack, N.Y., parking lot had asked for help getting out of her car last Tuesday. O'Donnell obliged, writing in her free-form blog style, "it was not easy but together we did it she was up and on her way with gratitude."

"A few hours later my body hurt, I had an ache in my chest both my arms were sore, everything felt bruised," she said, adding that her skin felt clammy and she later threw up.

After some aspirin ("thank god saved by a TV commercial literally"), she resisted calling paramedics, opting instead for a cardiologist appointment the following day. An EKG revealed the massive blockage, colorfully referred to by her doctor as a "widow maker."

"I am lucky to be here. Know the symptoms ladies, listen to the voice inside. The one we all so easily ignore. CALL 911," she concluded, citing statistics claiming that 50% of American women suffering heart attacks don't call 911.

"She is now home and resting comfortably. She is very, very lucky," a rep for O'Donnell told People.

The attack makes for a turbulent August in the O'Donnell house. Rosie's fiancee, Michelle Rounds, was recently diagnosed with desmoid tumors, a rare disease that can destroy tissue in the same fashion as a cancerous tumor.

Some would say because of her recent in your face political activities it is a shame she did not keel over but we are not saying that!.......

Humorist Phyllis Diller dies at 95 in Los Angeles

From the Associated Press

August 20, 2012, 12:28 p.m.

Phyllis Diller, the housewife turned humorist who aimed some of her sharpest barbs at herself, punctuating her jokes with her trademark cackle, died Monday morning in Los Angeles at age 95.

“She died peacefully in her sleep with a smile on her face,” her longtime manager, Milton Suchin, told The Associated Press.

 

Diller suffered a near-fatal heart attack in 1999. The cause of her death has not been released.

She was a staple of nightclubs and television from the 1950s — when female comics were rare indeed — until her retirement in 2002. Diller built her stand-up act around the persona of the corner-cutting housewife (”I bury a lot of my ironing in the back yard”) with bizarre looks, a wardrobe to match (by “Omar of Omaha”) and a husband named “Fang.”

Wrote Time magazine in 1961: “Onstage comes something that, by its own description, looks like a sackful of doorknobs. With hair dyed by Alcoa, pipe-cleaner limbs and knees just missing one another when the feet are wide apart, this is not Princess Volupine. It is Phyllis Diller, the poor man's Auntie Mame, only successful female among the New Wave comedians and one of the few women funny and tough enough to belt out a `standup' act of one-line gags.”

“I was one of those life-of-the-party types,” Diller told The Associated Press in 1965. “You'll find them in every bridge club, at every country club. People invited me to parties only because they knew I would supply some laughs. They still do.”

She didn't get into comedy until she was nearly 40, after her first husband, Sherwood Diller, prodded her for two years to give up a successful career as an advertising and radio writer. Through it all, she was also a busy mother.

“We had five kids at the time. I don't how he thought we'd handle that,” she told the AP in 2006.

A Chicago Tribune columnist, describing her appearance at a nightspot there in 1958, noted she was from San Francisco, hailed her as “the weirdest, wildest yet” — and made sure to mention her five youngsters.

Her husband managed her career until the couple's 25-year marriage fell apart in the 1960s. Shortly after her divorce she married entertainer Warde Donovan, but they separated within months.

Through both marriages and other relationships, the foibles of “Fang” remained an integral part of her act.

“Fang is permanent in the act, of course,” she once said. “Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They're temporary.”

She also appeared in movies, including “Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number” and “Eight on the Lam” with Bob Hope.

In 1966-67, she was the star of an ABC sitcom about a society family trying to stave off bankruptcy, “The Pruitts of Southampton.” Gypsy Rose Lee played a nosy neighbor. In 1968, she was host of a short-lived variety series, “The Beautiful Phyllis Diller Show.”

But standup comedy was her first love, and when she broke into the business in 1956 it was a field she had largely to herself because female comics weren't widely accepted then.

Although she could be serious during interviews, sooner or later a joke would pop out, often as not followed by that outrageous “AH-HHAAAAAAAAAAAA-HA-HA-HA!” laugh.

“It's my real laugh,” she once said. “It's in the family. When I was a kid my father called me the laughing hyena.”

Her looks were a frequent topic, and she did everything she could to accentuate them — negatively. She wore outrageous fright wigs and deliberately shopped for stage shoes that made her legs look as skinny as possible.

“The older I get, the funnier I get,” she said in 1961. “Think what I'll save in not having my face lifted.”

She felt different about plastic surgery later, though, and her face, and other body parts, underwent a remarkable transformation. Efforts to be beautiful became a mainstay of her act.

Commenting in 1995 about the repainting of the Hollywood sign, she cracked, “It took 300 gallons, almost as much as I put on every morning.” She said her home “used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.”

She recovered from a 1999 heart attack with the help of a pacemaker, but finally retired in 2002, saying advancing age was making it too difficult for her to spend several weeks a year on the road.

“I have energy, but I don't have lasting energy,” she told The Associated Press in 2006. “You have to know your limitations.”

After retiring from standup, Diller continued to take occasional small parts in movies and TV shows (”Family Guy”) and pursued painting as a serious hobby. She published her autobiography, “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse,” in 2005. The 2006 film “Goodnight, We Love You” documented her career.

Her other books included “Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints” and “Phyllis Diller's Marriage Manual.”

When she turned 90 in July 2007, she fractured a bone in her back and was forced to cancel a planned birthday appearance on “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.” But it didn't stop her from wisecracking: “I still take the pill `cause I don't want any more grandchildren.”

Born Phyllis Driver in Lima, Ohio, she married Sherwood Diller right out of school (Bluffton College) and was a housewife for several years before getting outside work.

She was working as an advertising writer for a radio station when a comedy turn at San Francisco's Purple Onion nightclub launched her toward stardom.

She made her network TV debut as a contestant on Groucho Marx's game show, “You Bet Your Life.” (Diller, asked if she was married: “Yes, I've worn a wedding ring for 18 years.” Marx: “Really? Well, two more payments and it'll be all yours.”)

She credited the self-help book, “The Magic of Believing” by Claude M. Bristol, with giving her the courage to enter the business. For decades she would recommend it to aspiring entertainers, even buying it for them sometimes.

“Don't get me wrong, though,” she said in a 1982 interview that threatened to turn serious. “I'm a comic. I don't deal with problems when I'm working.”

“I want people to laugh.”

 

We will miss you Phyllis, you were a pioneer for women in comedy!

Rumors Of My Demise Are Untrue!

Hey kids its me Shawn Scott, long time no posts! The day job has been an absolute hell the last two to six months and I have pretty much been brain dead and non creative most of that time. I promise that new posts are on the way and soon. I am tweeting a little more these days @ShawnScott14 if you wish to follow me that would be great. I am still trying to master Twitter and had to check out a Dummies book at the library, but I am a fast learner! Keep the comedy faith. Peace.

The Chickster Has A Podcast!

Sportscaster Chick McGee of the Bob and Tom Show has a really funny new podcast entitled, "Off The Air". Chick's website is strangely enough, www.chickmcgee.com  I have always thought that Chick was the real comedy gem of this great morning show and he and I share the very same taste in comedy movies, especially ones from the 80's and 90's. I am really surprised that Chick was given permission from that evil (but well intentioned) ogre, Tom Griswold to do this podcast! You had better listen while you can! Please check it out. He has just put up the 4th installment of Off the Air. Happy listening.