Don't Get Political!

Who I Do Not Want As My Next President

Newt baby, I need to level with you on this. A majority of the American people do not like your baby Huey head with that pompous ass smirk on your face and your general tone of condescension when being interviewed on cable news outlets. We the voters do not like your wacky ideas about colonizing the moon or bombing yet another Middle Eastern country and starting a trade war with China. We may not like President Obama at all but we like you even less! I am sorry I had to be the one to tell you this.

Ricky baby, l need to level with you on this. Anyone with a last name that is also an urban slang term for that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is a byproduct of anal sex will never be our next president. And considering the fact that you feel the need to be the moral conscience of the country and you do not like the “libertine” nature of some peoples sex lives is a real no go for me. Your blood thirstiness towards the Persian people is also very alarming considering that the U.S. has hundreds if not thousands of nuclear missiles and Iran has yet to build even one but you still want to carpet bomb their country! Rick I know the truth hurts but someone had to tell you and your altar boy ego.

Mitt baby, I need to level with you on this you silly plastic man. I have seen all the You Tube videos where you have changed your position 180 degrees on almost every issue since you were governor of Massachusetts, not to mention that you are a shameless man whore when it comes to being in bed with the crony capitalists of Wall Street. They are the same guys in cahoots with the crooks in D.C. that told us all that it was raining when in actuality they were pissing down our backs in 2008. Remember the financial crash? The American middle class will NEVER forget it. Mitt I am sorry I had to be the one to tell you this.

Barak, I need to level with you on this. You got this job as a junior Senator from Illinois and I do not know if it was your huge messianic ego or all the people that were handling you that thought they could really help you but I bet you had NO IDEA how hard it was going to be as president. I will say I did not vote for you in 2008 but I do think you are probably the hippest prez in the history of the country. Unfortunately, your presidency will go down as much of a failure as Jimmy Carter’s administration; the economy has not been fixed, healthcare is even worse than before and we are still at war in Afghanistan. You look tired Mr. Obama and I bet you would like to just get on a plane and go back to Chicago. I am sorry I had to be the one to tell you this, but unless the GOP nominates Congressman Ron Paul, you WILL have to serve another four years!

Posted by Shawn Scott    on Twitter @ShawnScott14

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IMHO by Tad Jonger

Ten Overrated Rock Bands/Musicians

1.    U2 – yes they are a good band, but a GREAT band? I think not. I still haven’t found what you are looking for U2 fans!

2.    Elvis Presley – I know that he was “The King”, but the king of what, mediocre  music? I was never able to get into his sound old or new. Perhaps the most overrated artist ever?

3.    Bruce Springsteen – known as “The Boss”, but more like an assistant manager. I like his early stuff with the E Street Band but after that, boring! Pete Seeger and Bob Dylan have already done it much earlier and better!

4.    The Doors – America’s greatest rock and roll band? Nope. I like them, but I don’t love them!  How many songs can you write about the road, trying to bed some chick or killing your whole family?

5.    Coldplay – we all liked “Clocks”, but only for about three weeks!

6.    The Grateful Dead – yes they are really good when you are listening to them while drunk, high or tripping but when you are sober, NOT! I feel the same thing about the band Phish and Blues Traveler.

7.    The Beach Boys – yes surfing is one of the coolest sports on the planet, but basing your entire music career around it? They may have been recording technique pioneers, but endless summer? How about endless monotony?

8.    Green Day – yes they were THE ground breaking power pop band that pretended to be punk but you will never be as good as the real thing: The Sex Pistols or The Clash.

9.    The Smashing Pumpkins – a band that has based their career on whining about how life supposedly sucks! I don’t get the appeal of depressing music like this. Life is too short for this pap.

10. REM – yes they had a few catchy tunes like “Orange Crush” and “The End of the World as We Know It” but I cannot understand the devoted fandom for this band much less having to sit through a concert of theirs. Yes, I know they broke up!



I Am A Cheapskate!

You know I think I was abandoned as a child by Jewish gypsies because I am really cheap and always try to save a penny or a length of pipe whenever possible. Only suckers pay retail, and I try my damndest never to do that. I buy my clothes and shoes at thrift stores ala the High Plains Thrifter, Jon Evans. Now, I do not buy used underwear or socks at the thrift store as I don’t wish to catch scabies, taint rot or some new strain of foot fungus. Wal-Mart sells socks and underwear by the pound so that’s where I go. Now as cheap as I am I have never bought condoms at my favorite dollar store. Why would anyone buy condoms at a dollar store and be confident that you could trust the reliability of the product? Ok, so you save $3 dollars on a box of 12 condoms and only two of them were bad. It just happens to be the two that you used on your girlfriend or wife last weekend and you think one may have slipped past the goalie. Do you go back to the dollar store now and buy a pregnancy test? “Oh honey look it is negative, we have nothing to worry about….yeah I know you missed your period and you’re throwing up in the morning but that’s probably just a seasonal flu, take some Thera-flu and go to bed early, I will call the doctor in the morning!” I also cannot get into buying one ply toilet paper as you might as well be using your hand because that is what ends up going through the paper and cleaning your back side! Left for wiping and right for shaking hands or is it the other way around? I will never be visiting southwest Asia so I guess I do not have to worry about it. Have you ever bought snack food at a dollar store? It usually is not a name brand, more like “Uncle Bill’s Snak Mix” or “Gourmet Party Mix” and has been salted out of actually having any kind of a good taste! I get my sodium intake for one year by eating just one serving! I saw an older lady the other day that came into my favorite Dollar Tree and she was pushing a baby carriage, but it wasn’t one of those that a grandchild would be riding in, more of a toy baby carriage for a doll. I had to do a double take, either that is a horribly deformed and hairy child or it’s a……dog! She was pushing her pet in a baby dolls carriage; it was a toy dog, a therapy dog, a retail therapy dog! No mental issues there, right?   Posted by Shawn Scott

More Political Lenoisms!

JAY LENO ON THE DEVIL AND RICK SANTORUM: "Rick Santorum has said that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. Today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty." -- Jay Leno, Feb. 22, 2012.

JAY LENO ON WHITE HOUSE FEARS: "President Obama said he understands that rising prices are making people worried and fearful. Especially in his re-election campaign. They're really fearful. " -- Jay Leno, Feb. 23, 2012.

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