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The Air Capital Comedy blog was created to support the comedy community in the Wichita Metro area and the rest of the comedy world. If you have any jokes, ideas, comments, critiques or would like to submit a written piece please contact us at aircapitalcomedy@yahoo.com and we will publish it unedited. Brevity is the soul of wit but longer essays are always welcomed!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The New Heart Of Dick Cheney

1. How many kittens had to DIE so Dick Cheney could get a new heart?

2. Former VP Dick Cheney has undergone a heart transplant, he actually has one for the first time now.

3. Former VP Dick Cheney gets a heart transplant, now we know why government scientists have been  keeping those aliens alive at Area 51.

4. Dick Cheney has gotten a new heart, its funny the Democrats always claimed he didn't have one.

5. Dick Cheney has undergone a heart transplant, conspiracy theorists claim that it is the heart of a dead enemy combatant.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Oh Patrick!

Pat Robertson believes Peyton Manning should get hurt this year

By Chris Chase | Shutdown Corner on Yahoo! Sports
If Pat Robertson's vision of theological payback comes true, Peyton Manning will be injured this season as retribution for the Denver Broncos getting rid of Tim Tebow.
The televangelist was speaking recently on "The 700 Club," which is apparently still on television. He recited Tebow's accolades from the 2011 season and wondered whether the Broncos were tempting fate by leaving him off their 2012 ark.

"And you just ask yourself," Robertson said, "OK, so Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP quarterback, but he's been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback. And in my opinion, it would serve them right."
Hey, what did Peyton do? He went to the team that wanted him the most. The Broncos were the ones who cast their wandering eyes elsewhere and besmirched the sanctity of the quarterback-franchise marriage! Wish a locust attack on the team or pray that Denver has to go play Detroit in a literal Lions den.

If any individual deserves a smiting, it's John Elway. Turn him into a pillar of salt! He's the one who cast Tebow out to the wilderness of eastern New Jersey, where he'll wander in the Meadowlands for 40 games and part traffic on the Turnpike.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

IMHO by Tad Jonger

Top 10 Gayest Bands/Artists Ever
(not that there’s anything wrong with it)

1. Culture Club – Do you really want to hurt me? Yes I kinda do! I am just kidding, I really just want you to continue to revel in your own obscurity Boy George. Please no re-union tour, guys!
2. Duran Duran – Please please tell me now is there something I should know and that is……we are ALL queers! Well most of your are I am pretty sure.......
3. Kajagoogoo – What Quagmire would say during an orgasm if he were gay, giggity.
4. Spandau Ballet – winners of the gayest band name contest?
5. Bauhaus – European slang for a bath house?
6. Right Said Fred – Yes too sexy for your (fishnet mesh sleeveless) shirt and too sexy for an actual female mommy part!
7. Judas Priest – Yes, Rob Halford is a pitcher and not a catcher. I finally figured out that the leather and chains thing was not cool macho-biker tough but sado-masochism Village People GAY! I am SHOCKED the Priest was gay!
8. The Cure – Robert……he looks like a flaming version of “The Joker”.  
9. Loverboy – As much as they tried to be macho rockers, they just seemed really gay to me! Mike Reno has to be a butt pirate with those red leather pants and headband.
10. Billy Squire – The “Take Me in Your Arms” video basically killed his career. The pink blouse and prancing around were just too much for everyone including me. Nuff said.

From The Art Of Manliness

The Walt Kowalski Toolbox
Posted By Brett & Kate McKay March 12, 2012 
 http://artofmanliness.com/2012/03/12/the-walt-kowalski-toolbox/print

“Take these three items right here. You can have this. WD-40, vise grips, and some duct tape. Any man worth his salt can do half the household chores with just those three things.” -Walt Kowalski
The other day I sat down to watch Gran Torino [1] for the first time, and boy was it awesome. While there are plenty of great lessons in manliness that I took away from the film (look for a post on that hopefully in the near future) one scene that stuck out to me was when Clint Eastwood’s character, Walt Kowalski, showed his young neighbor and protege, Thao, his workshop. When Thao lamented that he’d never be able to put together such an impressive collection of tools, the grizzled Korean War vet introduced the young man to what I’m calling the “Walt Kowalski Toolbox.”
The Walt Kowalski Toolbox consists of just three things: WD-40, vise grips, and a roll of duct tape. According to old Walt, “Any man worth his salt can do half the household chores with just those three things.”

To showcase the power and utility of the Walt Kowalski Toolbox, below we give a short primer on each item and highlight a few of the many things you can do with them.

WD-40

The different uses for WD-40 are legion, and its versatility has made it a DIY legend. Created in 1953 by the Rocket Chemical Company to prevent corrosion on metals, its development was a task so difficult it took chemist Norm Larsen several dozen attempts to get the formula just right. If you’ve ever wondered what WD-40 stands for, it’s “Water Displacement, 40th attempt,” indicating that the formula we know and love today was Larsen’s 40th try at creating a water-displacing fluid. Aerospace engineers found the final product so handy, they started sneaking the stuff home, and the Rocket Chemical Company soon saw the wisdom in selling it in stores to the general population.
In the decades since WD-40 hit shelves in 1958, consumers have found a myriad of uses for it; WD-40′s official website has a list of over 2,000 uses for the stuff [2]. Such as:
  • Removes and protects rust from metal tools like saws, hammers, and wrenches
  • Loosens rusty nuts and screws
  • Lubricates rusty hinges, chains, and bearings. Basically, if something squeaks, apply WD-40.
  • Cleans lawnmower blades and the bottoms of cast iron skillets
  • Removes splattered bugs from the front of your car
  • Drives the moisture out of just about anything–electrical wiring, locks, bearings, bike chains…
  • Cleans the gunk out of pistons and bearings

Vise Grip

Vise grips are adjustable pliers that you can lock in place, and they come in handy when you need an extra hand but only have your own two mitts to work with. Vice grips work great for removing stubborn nuts and screws, and are an incredibly versatile tool that can be employed as:
  • Pliers
  • Pipe wrench
  • Adjustable wrench
  • Wire cutters
  • Ratchet
  • Clamp
  • Hammer (in a pinch!)

Duct Tape


Ah, duct tape. Strong, flexible, durable….what can’t you do with it? Entire books [3] and Mythbusters episodes [4] have been dedicated to this modern marvel. Red Green [5] called duct tape “the handyman’s secret weapon” (Steve Smith, the comedian who plays Green, actually put out a movie back in 2002 called Duct Tape Forever). While there is some dispute about the origin of duct tape, the generally accepted version of events is that it was invented back in 1942 by Johnson and Johnson to act as a sealing tape for soldiers’ ammunition boxes. The tape was created by attaching multiple layers of adhesive to a polyethylene-coated cloth backing. The result was a tape so durable, tear-able and water-resistant, GIs ended up using it to fix everything from their guns to their aircraft.
After the war, homebuilders and HVAC service providers started using duct tape to connect heating and air conditioning ducts together (modern HVAC manufacturers don’t recommend this practice). In the 1960s, duct tape joined the space age by becoming a regular on Apollo missions. Its most famous use was during the failed Apollo 13 mission, when it was utilized in jury-rigging the lunar module’s CO2 scrubbers.
Here back on earth, duct tape can also be used in the following situations, along with many, many more:
  • A temporary patch on a car hose or PVC pipe in your home
  • Patch holes in your tent or water resistent clothing
  • Unclog a sink [6]
  • Secure frames on broken eyeglasses
  • Repair a cracked fishing pole or laptop shell (I know about the former from experience)
So how do you know which of the above tools you should use for a particular problem? Well just remember the old saying: “If it doesn’t move, and it should, use WD-40.  If it moves, and it shouldn’t, use duct tape.” And I guess if that fails, see if the vise grips will help!
The Walt Kowalski toolbox is a great starter’s DIY kit for the young man beginning to try his hand at fixing things himself. When you’re ready to add a few more tools to your supply, throw in a hammer, some pliers, and a Philips screwdriver, and you’ll be able to tackle most of the other half of household chores that these items can’t fix. And you’ll be well on your way to having a man’s well-stocked toolbox.  [7]


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Number 18 in the Mile High City

So Peyton Manning has decided to go to the Dover Buncos?  This is just what I needed as a Kansas City Chiefs fan, two more guaranteed losses this season. I cannot really say much against it though, the Chiefs did sign Joe Montana in 1992 and he took them to the AFC Championship against Buffalo in 1993.  Peyton what was wrong with the 49ers, Titans or Texans? They are all fine teams and do not reside in the AFC West for heaven’s sake! As a God fearing man did you take into account what this was going to do to his other son, Timothy? (Now it looks like Mr. Tebow is headed to the Jets or Jaguars.)  Mr. Manning, you do realize that in Denver you will have to play outdoors in the cold, rain and snow, right? And do you further realize that you will have to travel to Oakland once a year…on purpose? Peyton, welcome to the AFC West, the worst division in professional football!    posted by Shawn Scott