Cultural Caviar from Taki's Magazine at www.takimag.com
10 Things I Hate That Everybody Loves
One of the downsides of being special is that you feel out of place wherever you go. I don’t understand half the stuff people like and I suspect they don’t, either. Take cigars, for example:
1. CIGARS
You don’t like cigars, you like the idea of cigars. You like standing on the balcony with the other men after the dinner party and doing something a woman would never do in a million years, but you don’t actually enjoy that cigar hanging out of your mouth. If you did, you’d smoke them when you were alone in the woods, which you never do.
2. FANCY SCOTCH
Having a “Mc” in your last name means every birthday someone buys you a bottle of expensive whiskey. The problem is, whiskey tastes like gasoline. It’s especially bad when they take the extra time to let burnt peat moss smoke through it—then it tastes like gasoline that’s been sitting in an ashtray. I like bourbon because it’s sweet and tastes like cotton candy when you ice it. However, 99% of the reason we enjoy booze is because it gets us drunk. Let’s stop pretending we actually enjoy the taste. If we did, we’d drink nonalcoholic Maker’s Mark at breakfast.
I’m told these games are much more complex than they seem. “It’s like chess,” sports fans always tell me. But all I see is a bunch of transient millionaires playing a game outside. What’s so fun about watching someone else play? What are we—gimps? I guess I understand that watching sports all Sunday is a way to bond with a dad who isn’t great at talking with his kids, but that seems to be the only redeeming thing about it. I didn’t grow up with sports so I see them for what they are: boring. I once spent a day researching the rules to football and learning about the teams involved in a Super Bowl game, and after trying to enjoy the 11 minutes of action a three-hour game provides I stood up and said, “That’s it. I gave it a chance and I can now say, unequivocally, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this sucks.” Besides, don’t you feel kind of queer talking about all these men and their injuries? Oooh, Rodney Jackson sprained his ankle. Let’s read an article about his legs. Sports aren’t chess, they’re gossip for men.
4. LIVE MUSIC
Going to punk shows was fun when I was a kid because we’d jump off the stage and get all our aggression out in the pit. Now it’s just loud. Going to a huge stadium to see your favorite band means watching tiny ants play their hits far worse than you’re used to hearing them at home. That goes double for a small venue. Why did you five dumb guys climb onstage and turn my bar into a practice space? Nobody wants you here. We came here to have a conversation and now we’re just waiting for you to stop so we can go back to it. Oh, thank God, you’re taking off your guitar. Oh, Jesus no, he just said, “We’ll be right back.” They oughta call it “leave” music.
5. THE ROOMBA
My wife convinced me to buy this $400 robotic vacuum cleaner and it’s been sitting in its charger dock ever since. I hate this thing for at least three reasons beyond the insane retail price: 1. It’s so loud, you can’t be at home when it’s doing its thing, which means you have to set it up when you leave and hope it doesn’t get stuck. 2. It always gets stuck, so you end up putting chairs on tables to keep them out of its way, which is about 90% of the job of sweeping. 3. Sweeping hardwood floors takes about five minutes no matter the size of your house. Vacuuming a carpet takes the same amount of time. A Roomba can do it automatically if you clear a space and leave it unfettered for an entire day. Thanks. Let’s invent a robot that can put your socks on for you in under three hours and an automatic lawn mower that takes all summer.
6. FAKE BOOBS
Every time I meet a guy who likes fake tits, it’s like encountering a strange new life form. I feel like Charles Darwin on his first day in the Galápagos Islands. My dad could have the exact same tits if he wanted them. How is that feminine? Have you ever felt them? You can feel the seams of the bags! I once dated a woman who had them and one day she sat me down and explained that I really need to pay more attention to her breasts. Apparently I was making out with every part of her body BUT those man-made mammary mounds. I flew over the tit area like it was Chernobyl because they’re weird. Did you know they cut the nipples off with scissors and let them sit on a bowl of ice while they shape the fake breast? Only a serial killer would find that sexy.
7. SUNGLASSES
Lou Reed thinks he’s cool because he never takes his sunglasses off, but to anyone sane he looks like a child. Old guys love wearing them because we can’t see their wrinkles, and bald guys love putting them on their head to simulate hair, but the only time anyone needs sunglasses is the three minutes a month they are driving with the sun in their eyes. And even then you can just put the visor down. Sunglasses are up there with bottled water as the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled. You don’t look cool. You look insecure.
8. TATTOOS
My entire back is covered with a jellyfish that’s eating Chiang Kai-shek and Fidel Castro, and my arms and legs are covered, too. Even the inside of my lip is tattooed. This seemed like a great idea when life consisted of playing in bands and drinking in bars, but don’t people with tattoos realize there’s life after 30? Every time I go to the water park with the kids or take a vacation I am the Coney Island Freak Show standing in the corner like a mental patient who joined MS-13. Tattoos are just a gigantic green Mohawk you can’t shave off. Way to go, me.
9. COOKIES
Whenever I see my kids clamoring for cookies I think, “Why?” They have the texture of baked sand and they taste like wooden sugar. Maybe when they come fresh out of the oven and they’re still soft I can sort of get the appeal, but a bunch of hard cookies out of a box seems like something a doomsday prepper would be forced to dig into after week four.
10. TELEVISION
I watch about two hours of TV a night and I feel the same way about television that prostitutes feel about sex. It’s depressing. I read and write all day and then entertain screaming children after work, so after the dust settles, I want to be entertained. Instead, I get Ice-T threatening strangers, a fat kid who thinks she’s cute, and reality shows that are so obviously scripted, you’re watching bad actors do a fake action movie for free. I want to enjoy TV, but every time I open my mind, a TV executive in LA takes a dump in it. Pitching television shows is difficult, but figuring out why shows are popular is way harder. You’d need a lobotomy to make a successful show these days. Just when you think the universe couldn’t get stupider, it gets stupider than Jupiter. Remember in Idiocracy when Mike Judge predicts that Ow! My Balls! will be the top show in 500 years? Well, about 495 years early, the “nut mutilation guy” has emerged as one of America’s Got Talent’s most popular guests. If this is the kind of thing everybody is into, I don’t get everybody.
You don’t like cigars, you like the idea of cigars. You like standing on the balcony with the other men after the dinner party and doing something a woman would never do in a million years, but you don’t actually enjoy that cigar hanging out of your mouth. If you did, you’d smoke them when you were alone in the woods, which you never do.
2. FANCY SCOTCH
Having a “Mc” in your last name means every birthday someone buys you a bottle of expensive whiskey. The problem is, whiskey tastes like gasoline. It’s especially bad when they take the extra time to let burnt peat moss smoke through it—then it tastes like gasoline that’s been sitting in an ashtray. I like bourbon because it’s sweet and tastes like cotton candy when you ice it. However, 99% of the reason we enjoy booze is because it gets us drunk. Let’s stop pretending we actually enjoy the taste. If we did, we’d drink nonalcoholic Maker’s Mark at breakfast.
“I watch about two hours of TV a night and I feel the same way about television that prostitutes feel about sex. It’s depressing.”
3. SPORTSI’m told these games are much more complex than they seem. “It’s like chess,” sports fans always tell me. But all I see is a bunch of transient millionaires playing a game outside. What’s so fun about watching someone else play? What are we—gimps? I guess I understand that watching sports all Sunday is a way to bond with a dad who isn’t great at talking with his kids, but that seems to be the only redeeming thing about it. I didn’t grow up with sports so I see them for what they are: boring. I once spent a day researching the rules to football and learning about the teams involved in a Super Bowl game, and after trying to enjoy the 11 minutes of action a three-hour game provides I stood up and said, “That’s it. I gave it a chance and I can now say, unequivocally, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this sucks.” Besides, don’t you feel kind of queer talking about all these men and their injuries? Oooh, Rodney Jackson sprained his ankle. Let’s read an article about his legs. Sports aren’t chess, they’re gossip for men.
4. LIVE MUSIC
Going to punk shows was fun when I was a kid because we’d jump off the stage and get all our aggression out in the pit. Now it’s just loud. Going to a huge stadium to see your favorite band means watching tiny ants play their hits far worse than you’re used to hearing them at home. That goes double for a small venue. Why did you five dumb guys climb onstage and turn my bar into a practice space? Nobody wants you here. We came here to have a conversation and now we’re just waiting for you to stop so we can go back to it. Oh, thank God, you’re taking off your guitar. Oh, Jesus no, he just said, “We’ll be right back.” They oughta call it “leave” music.
5. THE ROOMBA
My wife convinced me to buy this $400 robotic vacuum cleaner and it’s been sitting in its charger dock ever since. I hate this thing for at least three reasons beyond the insane retail price: 1. It’s so loud, you can’t be at home when it’s doing its thing, which means you have to set it up when you leave and hope it doesn’t get stuck. 2. It always gets stuck, so you end up putting chairs on tables to keep them out of its way, which is about 90% of the job of sweeping. 3. Sweeping hardwood floors takes about five minutes no matter the size of your house. Vacuuming a carpet takes the same amount of time. A Roomba can do it automatically if you clear a space and leave it unfettered for an entire day. Thanks. Let’s invent a robot that can put your socks on for you in under three hours and an automatic lawn mower that takes all summer.
6. FAKE BOOBS
Every time I meet a guy who likes fake tits, it’s like encountering a strange new life form. I feel like Charles Darwin on his first day in the Galápagos Islands. My dad could have the exact same tits if he wanted them. How is that feminine? Have you ever felt them? You can feel the seams of the bags! I once dated a woman who had them and one day she sat me down and explained that I really need to pay more attention to her breasts. Apparently I was making out with every part of her body BUT those man-made mammary mounds. I flew over the tit area like it was Chernobyl because they’re weird. Did you know they cut the nipples off with scissors and let them sit on a bowl of ice while they shape the fake breast? Only a serial killer would find that sexy.
Lou Reed thinks he’s cool because he never takes his sunglasses off, but to anyone sane he looks like a child. Old guys love wearing them because we can’t see their wrinkles, and bald guys love putting them on their head to simulate hair, but the only time anyone needs sunglasses is the three minutes a month they are driving with the sun in their eyes. And even then you can just put the visor down. Sunglasses are up there with bottled water as the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled. You don’t look cool. You look insecure.
8. TATTOOS
My entire back is covered with a jellyfish that’s eating Chiang Kai-shek and Fidel Castro, and my arms and legs are covered, too. Even the inside of my lip is tattooed. This seemed like a great idea when life consisted of playing in bands and drinking in bars, but don’t people with tattoos realize there’s life after 30? Every time I go to the water park with the kids or take a vacation I am the Coney Island Freak Show standing in the corner like a mental patient who joined MS-13. Tattoos are just a gigantic green Mohawk you can’t shave off. Way to go, me.
9. COOKIES
Whenever I see my kids clamoring for cookies I think, “Why?” They have the texture of baked sand and they taste like wooden sugar. Maybe when they come fresh out of the oven and they’re still soft I can sort of get the appeal, but a bunch of hard cookies out of a box seems like something a doomsday prepper would be forced to dig into after week four.
10. TELEVISION
I watch about two hours of TV a night and I feel the same way about television that prostitutes feel about sex. It’s depressing. I read and write all day and then entertain screaming children after work, so after the dust settles, I want to be entertained. Instead, I get Ice-T threatening strangers, a fat kid who thinks she’s cute, and reality shows that are so obviously scripted, you’re watching bad actors do a fake action movie for free. I want to enjoy TV, but every time I open my mind, a TV executive in LA takes a dump in it. Pitching television shows is difficult, but figuring out why shows are popular is way harder. You’d need a lobotomy to make a successful show these days. Just when you think the universe couldn’t get stupider, it gets stupider than Jupiter. Remember in Idiocracy when Mike Judge predicts that Ow! My Balls! will be the top show in 500 years? Well, about 495 years early, the “nut mutilation guy” has emerged as one of America’s Got Talent’s most popular guests. If this is the kind of thing everybody is into, I don’t get everybody.
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